I lost the equivalent weight of half a bag of sugar last week. Where from, I couldn't tell you. Probably from one of those areas that nobody would notice anyway.
Oh Frank, can you see? That spot behind her left earlobe? I'm SURE it looks less flabby.
But I did, after all, make the decision that I wanted to shift some of this superfluous gorgeousness, and when I was presented with a Wii Fit (second-hand - who can afford these things for new nowadays?) for Christmas I decided it would be worth a try.
Now, I say gorgeousness, but I know you can hear the steady drip of sarcasm. I have been told there are men in the world who like their women voluptuous and well-padded, but I have yet to experience the phenomenon. Or myth, as I prefer to all it, worthy of the greatest story-tellers. Probably the Brothers Grimm.
I do realise that I'll never be the 21st century ideal 'thin' and even Rubens would call me chubby, but it would be nice to get some contour back to the full moon I call my face, and have less wobble around my lower portions. So I'm trying my best. To be honest, I don't think that the current skeletal ideal is either healthy or attractive, but then seeing as I am neither healthy nor attractive at the other end of the scale (if you'll excuse the pun) I won't throw boulders...
It does help that I have no life (see, I knew being alone would come in handy one day), so I can devote an hour and a half every evening (except Sundays, because, hell, there's good telly on Sundays and although you can take the girl from the couch, but you can't take the couch from the girl for long) to stretching, punching and stepping my flab away. "This is YOUR fight against YOUR fat" as the boxing instructor informs me. Repeatedly. Really, self-abuse notwithstanding, if I could have punched my fat away, do you not think I'd have already done it? Hell, one of the bullies at school would have done it for me. That generous soul obviously saw the future when she decided my stomach would make a good punching bag.
Of course, the losing weight part is subjective, or at least it is to the balance board. Lean 2 degrees in any direction other than straight up while you're attempting to register your avoirdupois, and your 'weight' increases or decreases by pounds, so if your balance isn't up to keeping your centre of gravity dead-centre (which, when you're fat and using a balance board, ISN'T standing straight up, top-of-your-head-on-a-string-pinned-to-the-ceiling style, because your excess weight means that you have to lean forward/backwards (depending on where it's located) to make sure the red dot that indicates your centre of gravity hits the centre of the televisually-represented board.
Before I realised the force could be both with you and against you, I would come away from the weigh-in feeling either elated or utterly depressed, depending on whether left gravity or right gravity was being particularly strong that day. I've lost two pounds. WOOHOO - this thing is a MIRACLE and I'm starting a new religion, complete with balance board altar and chocolate sacrifices! Or, I've put on three pounds. Excuse me while I douse the fire of my hopes and dreams with the salty despair of my tears. So, I take several tries to get that middle balance... Better that than 'losing' 3 pounds only to find out the next day that you've put on those same 3 pounds again. Fickle. The board is fickle.
I do realise that I'll never be the 21st century ideal 'thin' and even Rubens would call me chubby, but it would be nice to get some contour back to the full moon I call my face, and have less wobble around my lower portions. So I'm trying my best. To be honest, I don't think that the current skeletal ideal is either healthy or attractive, but then seeing as I am neither healthy nor attractive at the other end of the scale (if you'll excuse the pun) I won't throw boulders...
It does help that I have no life (see, I knew being alone would come in handy one day), so I can devote an hour and a half every evening (except Sundays, because, hell, there's good telly on Sundays and although you can take the girl from the couch, but you can't take the couch from the girl for long) to stretching, punching and stepping my flab away. "This is YOUR fight against YOUR fat" as the boxing instructor informs me. Repeatedly. Really, self-abuse notwithstanding, if I could have punched my fat away, do you not think I'd have already done it? Hell, one of the bullies at school would have done it for me. That generous soul obviously saw the future when she decided my stomach would make a good punching bag.
Of course, the losing weight part is subjective, or at least it is to the balance board. Lean 2 degrees in any direction other than straight up while you're attempting to register your avoirdupois, and your 'weight' increases or decreases by pounds, so if your balance isn't up to keeping your centre of gravity dead-centre (which, when you're fat and using a balance board, ISN'T standing straight up, top-of-your-head-on-a-string-pinned-to-the-ceiling style, because your excess weight means that you have to lean forward/backwards (depending on where it's located) to make sure the red dot that indicates your centre of gravity hits the centre of the televisually-represented board.
Before I realised the force could be both with you and against you, I would come away from the weigh-in feeling either elated or utterly depressed, depending on whether left gravity or right gravity was being particularly strong that day. I've lost two pounds. WOOHOO - this thing is a MIRACLE and I'm starting a new religion, complete with balance board altar and chocolate sacrifices! Or, I've put on three pounds. Excuse me while I douse the fire of my hopes and dreams with the salty despair of my tears. So, I take several tries to get that middle balance... Better that than 'losing' 3 pounds only to find out the next day that you've put on those same 3 pounds again. Fickle. The board is fickle.
And talking of fickle, may I bring to everyone's attention the biased method of measurement known as BMI, or Body Mass Index. Yes, you can tell it your height and it'll spout out what your BMI should be according to how far away the top of your head is from the ground, but won't take the contextually important body build into account. So, if you're built like a brick sh*t-house, with broad shoulders and a pelvis that could comfortably birth a small whale, or, because these things are equally problematic for the small-framed amongst us, built like a rake, with narrow shoulders and equally fine bone structure throughout, then BMI isn't going to be particularly accurate. Or useful.
I believe it helps that I've learned to ignore the setting and go straight on to pounds lost (or gained, according to the wind direction and the rotation of the tides), because although I am fat and short, if my build is not taken into account to assess my ratio of portliness to health, then I'm not going to get a fair reading, so the whole BMI shebang is not deserving of my attention.
But please excuse me, I must go and say a small prayer to the Board of Boards, burn a few calories in lieu of incense, and hope for a following wind. It is time to sacrifice an hour in the pursuit of someone else's ideal me.
disclaimer: all being said, I've lost 16 lbs since the end of January, and I can now touch my toes without having to re-attach them to my feet afterwards. But, as always, it is much more interesting to write about the dark side of the board...
I believe it helps that I've learned to ignore the setting and go straight on to pounds lost (or gained, according to the wind direction and the rotation of the tides), because although I am fat and short, if my build is not taken into account to assess my ratio of portliness to health, then I'm not going to get a fair reading, so the whole BMI shebang is not deserving of my attention.
But please excuse me, I must go and say a small prayer to the Board of Boards, burn a few calories in lieu of incense, and hope for a following wind. It is time to sacrifice an hour in the pursuit of someone else's ideal me.
disclaimer: all being said, I've lost 16 lbs since the end of January, and I can now touch my toes without having to re-attach them to my feet afterwards. But, as always, it is much more interesting to write about the dark side of the board...
