One of the things about being large is that you fear falling over. It's a forty-fifty-ten mix of panicking that you'll not be able to get back up again without extraneous help; being afraid that there are witnesses laughing at your no doubt attention-grabbing pavement-plant; the dread that you might have seriously hurt something other than your pride.
So... 90% fear of dying from embarrassment, 10% fear of actually, yannow, dying.
I've had a few serious falls in my adult life so far. (The childhood falls through glass doors, off bikes, and from the top of bale forts totally don't count...)
The first was when I was at music college in Birmingham, outside our local pub; although I must point out it was on the way TO, and not coming home from said pub. It was a simple mis-judgement of a pothole that led to me being ambulanced away, my ankle being strapped-up rather firmly, and having to ‘walk' around with crutches for a week.
The second (already richly documented on this blog) version was a tumble down some Portuguese church steps in 2005 in which I broke both the zip of my dress, and my foot.
The first was when I was at music college in Birmingham, outside our local pub; although I must point out it was on the way TO, and not coming home from said pub. It was a simple mis-judgement of a pothole that led to me being ambulanced away, my ankle being strapped-up rather firmly, and having to ‘walk' around with crutches for a week.
The second (already richly documented on this blog) version was a tumble down some Portuguese church steps in 2005 in which I broke both the zip of my dress, and my foot.
The third, in 2011, was really just a trip over a kerb-stone and an inelegant land on my right knee on the edge of the self-same kerb-stone. The kicker was that I was at my heaviest, and that innocuous fall gave me unspeakable amounts of pain, and an unresolved haematoma that is still slightly swollen to this day. To say that my right leg from mid-thigh to mid-calf was one massive purple-yellow mess is no exaggeration. I shared the photographic evidence with friends on Ravelry, and one dear friend was so impressed with the incredible colouration that she dyed a skein of yarn in the colours she saw, called it ‘Bruise' and sent it to me!
(I have yet to find the perfect project to show this off in the fashion it truly deserves, so if anyone finds a lovely pattern for a crocheted sling, or perhaps a pretty knitted neck-brace, please do let me know!)
I suspect fear of falling off anything is something that we come across in all walks of life, but I'm slowly learning that if you're so afraid of falling, whether it be off a bike; down some steps; in love; whatever, you'll end up cocooning yourself away from any hint of a trip, sitting in a safe place, by yourself, wondering how life got so boringly, achingly lonely.
Yes, yes, I'm totally speaking for myself.
Lately I've been testing the give on several safety nets of my own, though. Well okay, that sounds like it has been a decision made by myself rather than The Fates giving me a strong nudge in more dangerous directions, but, for example, venturing out onto pathways of a less flat and concrete state and more of a rocky, muddy, hilly state has given more than a tug or two on the threads of my particular tapestry of life.
What have I discovered? Well, for one thing my knees don't seem to mind bending so much these days. Okay, so yes, that discovery was made after slipping in the mud a couple of times and landing on a completely folded knee. You know - like when you kneel completely, sitting back with your heels on your behind. Now, just to let you know, the last time my knees did this without pain (well, apart from the initial ‘ow, I've just fallen' jolt) is before I hit my teenage years. Remember that knee disease? The one that stopped everything athletic and balletic in my life? Yup. No knee-bend with weight on since then. Actually, no real knee-bends of any sort since then.
But how long has it been since that full kneeling-sit pose has been possible? THAT is the question... How long have I been missing out on doing more because I had never even entertained the thought that it might be achievable? Possibly a couple of years if I take into consideration that that's when I started doing knee-strengthening exercises again.
So how long has it been since I didn't feel the fear (quite so much) of trying to do something that might or might not end up with me making a fool of myself? Um... perhaps a month. Why? Because being the clumsy person I am I was too scared to risk it before. I remembered the pain and let that remembered pain weave a web of doubt and dread that held me back from trying anything new. But having slipped and fallen several times in the last month doing things I haven't attempted to do in years and living to tell the tale has given me a new sense of possibility.
Fear of falling isn't enough to stop me any more. Well, it might slow me up a bit, as it is probably a good idea to remember just how much of a clumsy clown I can be, but I'm not going to let it stop me completely any more!
Just remind me I said that when you come to sign the cast on my broken ankle...
I suspect fear of falling off anything is something that we come across in all walks of life, but I'm slowly learning that if you're so afraid of falling, whether it be off a bike; down some steps; in love; whatever, you'll end up cocooning yourself away from any hint of a trip, sitting in a safe place, by yourself, wondering how life got so boringly, achingly lonely.
Yes, yes, I'm totally speaking for myself.
Lately I've been testing the give on several safety nets of my own, though. Well okay, that sounds like it has been a decision made by myself rather than The Fates giving me a strong nudge in more dangerous directions, but, for example, venturing out onto pathways of a less flat and concrete state and more of a rocky, muddy, hilly state has given more than a tug or two on the threads of my particular tapestry of life.
What have I discovered? Well, for one thing my knees don't seem to mind bending so much these days. Okay, so yes, that discovery was made after slipping in the mud a couple of times and landing on a completely folded knee. You know - like when you kneel completely, sitting back with your heels on your behind. Now, just to let you know, the last time my knees did this without pain (well, apart from the initial ‘ow, I've just fallen' jolt) is before I hit my teenage years. Remember that knee disease? The one that stopped everything athletic and balletic in my life? Yup. No knee-bend with weight on since then. Actually, no real knee-bends of any sort since then.
But how long has it been since that full kneeling-sit pose has been possible? THAT is the question... How long have I been missing out on doing more because I had never even entertained the thought that it might be achievable? Possibly a couple of years if I take into consideration that that's when I started doing knee-strengthening exercises again.
So how long has it been since I didn't feel the fear (quite so much) of trying to do something that might or might not end up with me making a fool of myself? Um... perhaps a month. Why? Because being the clumsy person I am I was too scared to risk it before. I remembered the pain and let that remembered pain weave a web of doubt and dread that held me back from trying anything new. But having slipped and fallen several times in the last month doing things I haven't attempted to do in years and living to tell the tale has given me a new sense of possibility.
Fear of falling isn't enough to stop me any more. Well, it might slow me up a bit, as it is probably a good idea to remember just how much of a clumsy clown I can be, but I'm not going to let it stop me completely any more!
Just remind me I said that when you come to sign the cast on my broken ankle...
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