Keeping Your Martinis Dry

cocktail umbrella shawlette by yours truly
madelinetosh tosh sock in 'grapefruit'

I'd like to introduce something to you that I've been working on for a while...  TheCocktail Umbrella Shawlette.

In keeping with my main alcoholic beverages theme (yes, I am indeed that clever... or fortunate that that I have a one-track mind) this shawlette is a celebration in little shawl form of that ubiquitous little paper drink accessory you find shading all your favourite exotic cocktails.  (I have to admit to liking them on non-exotic cocktails, too...  I find, for example, a cocktail umbrella balanced on the top of a pint of Guinness rather endearing, in a beauty and the beast kind of way...  But I digress.)  

Of those non-edible garnished for your alcoholic beverage of choice, none can come higher in the estimation of all (i.e. me) than the festive cocktail umbrella.  It adds fun and frivolity to the most austere of drinks (and now I'm picturing a traditional spot of sherry in an old-fashioned sherry glass, adorned with a bright paper umbrella...  I digress again.) and nothing else says 'this booze is FUN' any better than this little paper firework!

The Cocktail Umbrella Shawlette is made from the lace edging upward, and the body of the shawl is worked using short rows to give it that classic crescent shape. Adapted from my Piña Colada Socks and initially inspired by Barbara Walker's parasol lace, this shawlette is the perfect companion to watching the sun go down whilst sipping on your favourite cocktail!

So inspired was I by this little bit of yarny engineering, that I went straight on to make another one...  It took 4 days.  I may or may not have been obsessed.

april showers version
zagroda sock in 'gray'

424 little stitches, 6 rows in,
finished lace swirl,
short rows take shape, nearly done.

Considering this is my first attempt at putting a little shawl together, I have to say I'm pretty pleased with the results!  You must, if you have the time, take a peek at the other versions of this shawlette you can find on the pattern page (which I'll link to in a bit) as the colours my testers have chosen to make this are truly reminiscent of cocktail umbrellas - they look so festive and happy!

And because I am so proud of this little cracker, I'm offering it for €3 ($3.87, £2.55) until the end of June 2013 to all-comers, then will put it up to the actual price of €4 ($5.16, £3.40) after the month is up!  You can't say I'm not good to you! :)

You can find the Ravelry pattern page HERE, or if you want to cut out the middle man, you can click on the button below which will take you straight to paypal.  All mod cons here, you know!

To make this shawl you need: size 3.5.mm (US 4) and size 3.25 (US 3) circular or straight needles, 380 - 400 yards of fingering-weight yarn, strong thread or similar for lifelines (optional but recommended), and around 20 stitch markers.  The size is roughly 75" wingspan by 15" depth but it depends on how rigorously and aggressively you block it.  I blocked both of mine to create scallops on the top edge, but it's just as simple (if not more simple) to block it straight.  I liked the added tension on the lace created by the scallops, but YMMV!

(you can click on any of these photos for a larger look-see!)

A Shot In The Dark

b-52 sock by yours truly
schachenmayr nomotta regia uni solid 4-ply in
'borke', 'natur' and 'jaffa'

I believe it's about time a classic shot drink was immortalised in sock form, and the B-52 is perfect for the job!  Basically a layered shot cocktail comprising of coffee liqueur, Irish cream liqueur, and an orange liqueur, this little devil should, when prepared properly, separate into 3 distinct layers.  The B-52 Sock has layers, too - 3 cabled layers of stylised coffee beans, Irish knots, and orange segments running in nearly worked striped from a toe-up cast-on, up the foot and onto the leg, with an afterthought heel and round toe.

the top layer - orange liqueur - stylised  orange segments

the middle layer - irish cream liqueur - a simple irish knot

the bottom layer - coffee liqueur - stylised coffee bean

The cuff gives you two options - the first gives you a ribbed cuff that carries the pretty cabled separator up to the top, and the second is inspired by the Flaming B-52, where the top layer of the shot is ignited.  (If you wanted to truly make a Flaming B-52, you could add blue to the mix, as the flame burns blue!)  Both are equally suitable to be the top to such cute socks!

Of course, you don't need to stich to these three colours - there are many variations of the B-52 to inspire your colour choice, including (and here I quote Mr Wikipedia):

B-51: a B52 with hazlenut liqueur rather than orange liqueur.

B-52 with Bomb Bay Doors: A B52 with Bombay gin.

B-52 in the Desert, or a B-52 with a Mexican Tailgunner: a B-52 with tequila rather than Irish cream.

B-52 with a Full Payload: a B-52 with a 4th layer of hazelnut liqueur and a 5th layer of rum lit on fire.

B-52: a B52 with Sambuca rather than Irish cream.

B-54 - a B-52 with almond liqueur in place of orange liqueur.

B-55: a B-52 with absinthe rather than orange liqueur - also know as the B-52 Gunship

B57: a B-52 with peppermint schnapps instead of Irish cream..

And if that's all too much, then how about one colour throughout?  One of my testers made the whole sock in one colour, which adds a real wow factor to the cable designs themselves!  So really, the options are endless!

You can see all the other versions HERE, which links to the main pattern page on Ravelry, or alternatively you buy it by clicking on the button below which takes you straight to paypal!

And the price?  You can get this gorgeousness for only €3 (£2.57, $3.88).  Go on!  You know you need to!

The Joy Of Veg

"Nic has never before looked forward so much to a plate of roasted vegetables."

So I'm trying something new; something my sister recommended: the 5:2 Fast Diet. Now, I am the first person to admit to not liking diets; I was put on one when I was twelve years old (coincidentally around the same time Osgood Schlatter Disease started to raise its ugly head), and remember vividly seeing the diet sheet instructing us to feed me 'normal' portions, which were actually more than I was eating at home. Three fish fingers instead of my normal two, for example. (Why the fish finger amount sticks in my head to this day, I'm not sure, but they were tasty, and who were we to question the dietician?) It will come as no surprise that I put on a few pounds on this 'diet', heads were shaken, and I think I was just abandoned by the system because it didn't make sense, especially as away from 'help' I was eating the same amount, playing the same amount, living the same amount as my sister, who was sixteen months younger than me, and a polar opposite in body type.

Genes, people. Genes and obesity. It's a Thing. Not an excuse. But a reality that makes the fight to stay healthy a little more tricky than it could be for those of us who can trace large ancestors all the way down their family tree.

So I've avoided the whole diet thing for much of my life. I did try a shake-based thin-quick type for a while when I was still at school, but apart from being expensive, it was ineffective and (hind-sight and all that) hardly advisable for a growing teenager. The rest of the time I just had to get used to being the fat girl. If I was being very active I'd lose a little weight, if I was spending most of my time studying, I'd put it back on whilst still staying at the obese level of overweight. Genetics + energy in - energy out = me.

So when my sister suggested this intermittent fasting diet, she managed to make it sound more like a change of pace, as opposed to an actual limiting diet, and something that could be done over a long period of time instead of the short, sharp shock of a restrictive regime.

You know, I think if you want to lose weight, or become healthier, or change anything about yourself at all, you need to know some basic facts about yourself. What makes you tick. What turns you off. How a different set of parameters can set you off in different ways. And I think the most important thing is to realise that what works for you might not work for me, and vice versa. If bodies and genetics were all the same, then yes, we'd all need to do the same thing to shift ten pounds, but as close as we all become when taken to basic human DNA whatever level, just looking around a room will show you that no two people are alike, and surely by that standard alone we can presume that our bodies process the input and output of calories in tiny, but just as equally different ways?

And once our brains join in the game?

So, I know my head doesn't work well with short-term diet sheets and fear of punishment from a grown-up if I don't lose weight. I do, however, work well with long-term projects, and routine, and this is why I decided to give this 5:2 thing a try.  

Which is why I'm salivating over a plate of roasted vegetables. Five hundred calories is all you're allowed for your fast day which can be used in any way you see fit. Two hundred of my five hundred went on lunch, eighty went on a biscuit with a cup of herbal tea this afternoon, (because I could - hell, you could have one cupcake with frosting worth five hundred calories for the day if you wanted, although I doubt it would be recommended...) and the rest has been made up with roast carrots, red pepper, courgette, and beetroot. I used myfitnesspal online to track the calories, which is jolly handy for working out your intake if you use it correctly. I add a little pinch of salt to the 'calories used' part, but on the whole it looks like it could be a useful piece of kit to have in my weight loss tool bag.

Talking of adding a pinch of salt, my roasties are calling my name!

Holey Name-Day, Batman!

"Nic has tonight achieved something that she can safely say she has never before achieved in the whole of her :: coughty-cough :: years on earth...

She wore through her sports gear."

Of course the bigger question is: why on earth am I working-out on my birthday?

No Pain, No Gain

"Nic has now lost both resistance bands to the rigours of Wiixercise. RIP orange and green bands, you served her well.

(Except for those chinese burns, and that welt when the green decided to split mid-shoulder press and that self-inflicted punch just now from the orange finally breaking...  Actually, good riddance.)"

You know the type I mean, right? The long, flat, stretchy strips of latex, not the long, tubular, stretchy strings of probably latex too that have the added eye-blackening properties of handles on the end. I can imagine the latter would give you a hell of a lot more of a whip-like lashing should it wear out mid-use. Going by past experience I can at least guarantee it would give me a whip-like lashing should it wear out mid-use.

You use the bands much like you use hand weights. There's a slight change of emphasis in how they're held, but they can target the same muscles, plus you have the added resistance between your hands (or feet) that isn't possible to replicate with two separate weights. They're great for strength training, and are less likely that a hand weight to disturb your downstairs neighbours should you lose your grip and let it go. They're more likely to give you red stripe down your cheek or shoulder, but less likely to break your foot. All-in-all they're a handy addition to your workout tool-kit, but I'd always advise the wearing of hockey masks, balaclavas, or Teflon-coated full body armour, especially if the bands are getting a little old. But that might just be me...

To Hell In An M&S Hand-Basket

"Dear Dutch person in the new Marks and Spencer's in Amsterdam: it is not polite to poke someone in the stomach and tell the person you poked that they don't need sausages, when you overhear said someone asking an assistant for the whereabouts of the afore-mentioned sausages.

And for some reason, because you must be at least in your fifties, and aren't some little kid that may or may not know better, it feels much worse."

I can imagine this must be what pregnant women feel like when unwanted hands reach towards their unborn child in the hopes of...? What? Rubbing for luck like you do the tummy of a bronze Buddha? (Except without the insults and actual poking aimed towards an obviously dangerous-to-society, and disgusting gut. Although then again, that may depend on the intentions of the potential tummy burnisher.)

I had my tummy poked occasionally when I was at primary school, as part of the usual bullying. Never truly painful in reality, spiritually it was like a branding, although once a 'friend' did actually punch me hard in the stomach after she passed her driving test. Her type of celebration merely continued her theme of being my main bully when we were younger, but I do remember the shock, the being winded, and the trying to congratulate her, all in one.  

But a grown-ass woman. And a complete stranger at that. Leaning across my sadly un-be-sausaged basket, a big bunch of flowers (an after-concert gift) and a shop assistant, to poke my stomach and ridicule me in public because what? She thought being a rude bitch would suddenly make me see the light and disdain M&S Pork and Apple Sausages forever more as being the means of my continuing portliness? I ... It still renders me speechless. 

I wish I had had it in me to stop her in her tracks and ask her her intentions. Were they for good or evil? Did she really feel, after our intensive life-sharing few seconds, that her comments were aimed true, that they would make me turn around and see the error of my sausage-loving ways, and embrace a new, sus scrofa dometicus- and malus domestica-free lifestyle, be astounded seeing the weight fall off rapidly as it would so naturally do following her few seconds of 'advice', and thank her eternally for her insights into my be-larded life in making me into someone of whom she would approve. Or was she really just a bitch, in it for the shits and giggles, and left feeling better about herself, because she had made someone feel worse about themselves?

To be honest, had I had it in me to stop her at all, she would have had a perfectly lovely bunch of roses smacked across her face, possibly followed by an empty Markies hand-basket. I hope she realises how lucky she was in verbally and physically attacking someone with very little want to spar, with words or with carrying implements.

There's no lesson to this modern-day fable, except perhaps be wary of Amsterdammers in the butchery section of M&S. They're blunt, mean, and obviously not sausage-lover lovers.

Band Of Bothers

"Nic has suffered injuries from exercise before (but includes tripping over the Wii balance board and twisting her foot in this dubious list, so you may have to take its validity with a pinch of salt) but this is the first time she's received a welt on her hand from an exploding resistance band."

I may have mentioned my clumsiness before. It is a Thing. But it's not a Fat Thing, for I can be the most graceful person in the room; I am freakishly aware of how much space I take up, and will correctly gauge the clearance between people/cars/chairs so as to not nudge anything that may complain/set off alarms/scrape across the floor. Actually, my Fat Thing is to not be seen or heard, but that's a topic for a day that's not already filled with gigantic rubber bands rending asunder and creating the havoc only a gigantic rubber band in the hands of the belligerent and bored Gods of Exercise can accomplish.

No, the Fairy Godmothers who came to bless me at my crib were not your usual fairy tale characters bestowing beauty, brains, and other desirable gifts, and it is a running joke (coined, of course, by me) that when the gods were handing out common sense, I was in the other room, queuing for the chocolate machine. But it is possible to be both graceful and clumsy. I am the poster girl, in fact. I spent ten years of my life learning how to hold myself with poise, to move fluidly and elegantly, to control my body, thanks to the wonderful teachings of Miss White and her ballet lessons, and although Osgood Schlatter Disease* reared its ugly head and put a stop to my pliés and pirouettes, and instead helped me pile on the pounds, my ungainly self still kept its muscle memory and elegance of movement. Just super-sized.  

Yet, as much as I can sashay across a room and not bump in to anything, or avoid tripping up over backstage cables, or even balance in the small space between the orchestra and the edge of the stage without falling to an embarrassing, probably crumpled and broken, heap in front of the first row, you can set a glass of water on a solid, non-shoogly table in front of me, and I'll have it over in 30 seconds flat. I suspect we're all given our clumsy quota. I certainly feel I've been given mine, and most of yours, too, because for sure my lifetime allowance of adroitness is either for someone who should have shuffled off this mortal coil aged fifteen, or it has just been divided up between more worthy owners. 

Just to compound the problem, I do seem have a problem with stairs. Flat surfaces seem to be okay, but add even the tiniest chance of that clumsy gene having a say, and I'll fall down one step and break my foot, trip up a step and break a toe, and miss the kerb whilst crossing the road, fall and seriously damage my knee so badly that I now suffer from an unresolved haematoma; where the swelling from the initial injury and bruise has yet to go down. (I've been told it will do so in time, but just now it's rather like have a hot-water bottle strapped to one's leg.)

I can't guarantee being whipped by a shredded resistance band is pure clumsiness, mere bad luck, or a sign I've offended the workout gods, but it's not the first time I've been clobbered by my exercise equipment. Remember the Wii boxing Bloody Nose Debacle of October 2012? Perhaps I should consider an investment in full-body riot armour, just to be on the safe side.

*OSD, originally classed as 'growing pains' affected my father, my brother, and myself in different ways while we were growing up. It stopped me from being able to bear my weight when I bent my knees, it stopped me being able to crouch, kneel, run or dance. By the time the symptoms were becoming less pronounced, the damage had been done. Muscles had shortened, tendons had weakened, weight had been gained. Nowadays when someone is diagnosed with OSD you are prescribed physiotherapy once the initial symptoms have improved, pain killers, exercises. Back in the day we were told we would grow out of it. I'm left with knees that don't bend properly, I can't crouch, and I can only kneel if I'm balancing on my patella, which probably isn't particularly advisable. I'm hopeful that eventually losing weight, plus the addition of concentrated stretches and the general building up of very weak, and underused muscles may bring back some semblance of normal knee joints. Only time will tell.